Spilling the beans...

I didn't tell Dom that I was taking HPTs. I was so obsessed the getting pregnant that I started taking them when I was only 7 DPO. I KNEW it was going to be negative, so I couldn't get my hopes up or be let down when it was negative. At 10 DPO, I was used to seeing negative tests, that I was almost surprised when I saw a second line! I actually tried to convince myself that the line was just my imagination playing tricks on me, and I went back to bed. Of course, I couldn't sleep. I got up 30 minutes later and took a digital. There is no second-guessing when you see "PREGNANT" pop-up on the screen. Dom was sleeping during all of this.

The night before, we had celebrated his birthday with his parents. He got a new camera for his birthday. So that morning I got the brilliant idea that I would use the camera to tell him I was pregnant again. I took a picture of the digital test (the same picture I posted here) and waited for him to wake up. When he did, I told him that I loved his new camera and that I took some really good pictures that he needed to see. His jaw dropped when he saw the first picture! I wish I would have gotten a picture of his reaction.

That day we sent the picture to his parents using the same cover-up that we wanted to show them the amazing pictures that the new camera could take. Dom wrote on the subject line, "This is a TEST - Pun intended!" We had his mom on my cell phone (she was at work.) and his dad on his cell phone and they opened the email at the same time. I think they both knew what we up to.

That night we went to a local bar to watch football with our friends from college. I was in the restroom when our close friends Jeremy and Beth arrived. Dom gave Beth a hug and whispered, "Carrie is pregnant!" in her ear. She found me in the bathroom and gave me a huge hug! (Just a quick shout-out...Jeremy and Beth have been an amazing support to us during my first pregnancy, miscarriage, and this pregnancy! Their prayers and check-in's have meant the world to us! We are so lucky to have them as our friends!)

I told my parents over the phone the next day (Sunday), and my sister the day after (Monday).

Over the last two weeks, I have told a few more people. My three close friends at work (I still haven't told the fourth but that is just because their hasn't been a good time, not because I don't want her to know), my boss and, the lady that I babysit for.

So now my little bubble of support knows our secret and I am done sharing the news. These are the same people that were there for us when I had my miscarriage. Everyone understands our feelings of excitement and fear, as I think most of them are feeling the same way. Their reactions are positive and reassuring, but everyone is cautious in what they said. I like it this way. I am not ready for someone to be over-the-top excited because I am not feeling this way yet (but getting closer and closer everyday!).

I have been trying to figure out why I don't want anyone else to know. I figured it out on Thursday when this happened...

We have a wonderful fourth grade teacher that has been out for the last 3 weeks because she had surgery on her foot. Thursday was her first day back to work. She wheeled by my office that afternoon to say hi. We made small talk about her being gone and what it's like to teach from a wheelchair, and then she said, "Are you pregnant?" I was soooo thrown off guard. I stuttered some, "umm's," before asking her why she was asking. She reminded me of a comment I made before she left (I had walked into the teacher's lounge one morning and it smelt terrible. So I made some comment about it smelling like a skunk. She replied that maybe the trash wasn't taken out last night but it wasn't too bad and followed it with, "Maybe you are just pregnant and have a really sensitive nose." I made a nervous giggle and walked out.), and wanted to be sure that she didn't miss a big announcement while she was gone. So I replied that she didn't miss an announcement, but I hope to be make one in the next few weeks. She said that she would keep me in her prayers and would be waiting for my announcement, whatever it might be.

So then it hit me. She is the first one that knows I am pregnant, without knowing the history of how I got here. In her eyes, I am pregnant. In my eyes, I am pregnant after having a miscarriage. The difference bothers me. It just reinforces that I need to keep this a secret until I have accepted that I have a healthy baby growing in me and that I won't hear "I'm sorry but the baby doesn't have a heartbeat" at my next appointment. Right now, I am still to guarded to open-up to someone that won't share my same reservations.

And on a side note, Dom doesn't share my same feelings on this topic. He has told everyone at his work already. He is respecting my feelings and not telling our friends, but I know it is hard for him to do this.

And I'll get there! Hopefully the 12 week milestone will help ease my fears! It's only 2 weeks away...