It's only been a little over 36 hours since my last post that I talked about having no desire to tell anyone about being pregnant. I'm already changing my mind some.
On Saturday night, we went to Beth's house (Yep, the same Beth from the last post!) to watch the Mizzou homecoming game. All of our friends that didn't go back to Columbia for Homecoming were there. And we seem to be having a little baby-boom among these friends. Beth is due and December and there are two girls that are due in April. Pregnancy, babies, breastfeeding, showers, names, etc. dominated the girls' conversation all night. It was so hard not to share my story and experiences right along with them. I just wanted to blurt out, "I've been sick, and I'm craving cheese, apples, and tacos, and that name is our list too, and yes, we are going to find out the gender!" It didn't matter that some of these girls didn't know about my miscarriage. I was able to share something else with them, the excitement and unknown of pregnancy.
After everyone else had left, Beth let us try her fetal doppler. I was just 10 weeks and a few days so I knew we were on the line of not being able to hear the heartbeat just yet. We weren't able to find the heartbeat at her house, but she let us take it home (See, I told you she was awesome!), and we found it right away! We've used to twice since then and have been able to hear it both times. I can't tell you how much better you feel after hearing the heartbeat! It's such a beautiful sound and such a relief to know that everything is okay! A few days of concrete evidence that everything is still okay is also helping to change my mind. (And we've already purchased our own doppler. I'm sure it will get a ton of use over the next few months.)
I feel like I am turning a corner. I hope it's not too early since I am not at that magical 12-week milestone yet, but I am feeling more confident and more excited that I will have a baby to hold in May.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Spilling the beans...
I didn't tell Dom that I was taking HPTs. I was so obsessed the getting pregnant that I started taking them when I was only 7 DPO. I KNEW it was going to be negative, so I couldn't get my hopes up or be let down when it was negative. At 10 DPO, I was used to seeing negative tests, that I was almost surprised when I saw a second line! I actually tried to convince myself that the line was just my imagination playing tricks on me, and I went back to bed. Of course, I couldn't sleep. I got up 30 minutes later and took a digital. There is no second-guessing when you see "PREGNANT" pop-up on the screen. Dom was sleeping during all of this.
The night before, we had celebrated his birthday with his parents. He got a new camera for his birthday. So that morning I got the brilliant idea that I would use the camera to tell him I was pregnant again. I took a picture of the digital test (the same picture I posted here) and waited for him to wake up. When he did, I told him that I loved his new camera and that I took some really good pictures that he needed to see. His jaw dropped when he saw the first picture! I wish I would have gotten a picture of his reaction.
That day we sent the picture to his parents using the same cover-up that we wanted to show them the amazing pictures that the new camera could take. Dom wrote on the subject line, "This is a TEST - Pun intended!" We had his mom on my cell phone (she was at work.) and his dad on his cell phone and they opened the email at the same time. I think they both knew what we up to.
That night we went to a local bar to watch football with our friends from college. I was in the restroom when our close friends Jeremy and Beth arrived. Dom gave Beth a hug and whispered, "Carrie is pregnant!" in her ear. She found me in the bathroom and gave me a huge hug! (Just a quick shout-out...Jeremy and Beth have been an amazing support to us during my first pregnancy, miscarriage, and this pregnancy! Their prayers and check-in's have meant the world to us! We are so lucky to have them as our friends!)
I told my parents over the phone the next day (Sunday), and my sister the day after (Monday).
Over the last two weeks, I have told a few more people. My three close friends at work (I still haven't told the fourth but that is just because their hasn't been a good time, not because I don't want her to know), my boss and, the lady that I babysit for.
So now my little bubble of support knows our secret and I am done sharing the news. These are the same people that were there for us when I had my miscarriage. Everyone understands our feelings of excitement and fear, as I think most of them are feeling the same way. Their reactions are positive and reassuring, but everyone is cautious in what they said. I like it this way. I am not ready for someone to be over-the-top excited because I am not feeling this way yet (but getting closer and closer everyday!).
I have been trying to figure out why I don't want anyone else to know. I figured it out on Thursday when this happened...
We have a wonderful fourth grade teacher that has been out for the last 3 weeks because she had surgery on her foot. Thursday was her first day back to work. She wheeled by my office that afternoon to say hi. We made small talk about her being gone and what it's like to teach from a wheelchair, and then she said, "Are you pregnant?" I was soooo thrown off guard. I stuttered some, "umm's," before asking her why she was asking. She reminded me of a comment I made before she left (I had walked into the teacher's lounge one morning and it smelt terrible. So I made some comment about it smelling like a skunk. She replied that maybe the trash wasn't taken out last night but it wasn't too bad and followed it with, "Maybe you are just pregnant and have a really sensitive nose." I made a nervous giggle and walked out.), and wanted to be sure that she didn't miss a big announcement while she was gone. So I replied that she didn't miss an announcement, but I hope to be make one in the next few weeks. She said that she would keep me in her prayers and would be waiting for my announcement, whatever it might be.
So then it hit me. She is the first one that knows I am pregnant, without knowing the history of how I got here. In her eyes, I am pregnant. In my eyes, I am pregnant after having a miscarriage. The difference bothers me. It just reinforces that I need to keep this a secret until I have accepted that I have a healthy baby growing in me and that I won't hear "I'm sorry but the baby doesn't have a heartbeat" at my next appointment. Right now, I am still to guarded to open-up to someone that won't share my same reservations.
And on a side note, Dom doesn't share my same feelings on this topic. He has told everyone at his work already. He is respecting my feelings and not telling our friends, but I know it is hard for him to do this.
And I'll get there! Hopefully the 12 week milestone will help ease my fears! It's only 2 weeks away...
The night before, we had celebrated his birthday with his parents. He got a new camera for his birthday. So that morning I got the brilliant idea that I would use the camera to tell him I was pregnant again. I took a picture of the digital test (the same picture I posted here) and waited for him to wake up. When he did, I told him that I loved his new camera and that I took some really good pictures that he needed to see. His jaw dropped when he saw the first picture! I wish I would have gotten a picture of his reaction.
That day we sent the picture to his parents using the same cover-up that we wanted to show them the amazing pictures that the new camera could take. Dom wrote on the subject line, "This is a TEST - Pun intended!" We had his mom on my cell phone (she was at work.) and his dad on his cell phone and they opened the email at the same time. I think they both knew what we up to.
That night we went to a local bar to watch football with our friends from college. I was in the restroom when our close friends Jeremy and Beth arrived. Dom gave Beth a hug and whispered, "Carrie is pregnant!" in her ear. She found me in the bathroom and gave me a huge hug! (Just a quick shout-out...Jeremy and Beth have been an amazing support to us during my first pregnancy, miscarriage, and this pregnancy! Their prayers and check-in's have meant the world to us! We are so lucky to have them as our friends!)
I told my parents over the phone the next day (Sunday), and my sister the day after (Monday).
Over the last two weeks, I have told a few more people. My three close friends at work (I still haven't told the fourth but that is just because their hasn't been a good time, not because I don't want her to know), my boss and, the lady that I babysit for.
So now my little bubble of support knows our secret and I am done sharing the news. These are the same people that were there for us when I had my miscarriage. Everyone understands our feelings of excitement and fear, as I think most of them are feeling the same way. Their reactions are positive and reassuring, but everyone is cautious in what they said. I like it this way. I am not ready for someone to be over-the-top excited because I am not feeling this way yet (but getting closer and closer everyday!).
I have been trying to figure out why I don't want anyone else to know. I figured it out on Thursday when this happened...
We have a wonderful fourth grade teacher that has been out for the last 3 weeks because she had surgery on her foot. Thursday was her first day back to work. She wheeled by my office that afternoon to say hi. We made small talk about her being gone and what it's like to teach from a wheelchair, and then she said, "Are you pregnant?" I was soooo thrown off guard. I stuttered some, "umm's," before asking her why she was asking. She reminded me of a comment I made before she left (I had walked into the teacher's lounge one morning and it smelt terrible. So I made some comment about it smelling like a skunk. She replied that maybe the trash wasn't taken out last night but it wasn't too bad and followed it with, "Maybe you are just pregnant and have a really sensitive nose." I made a nervous giggle and walked out.), and wanted to be sure that she didn't miss a big announcement while she was gone. So I replied that she didn't miss an announcement, but I hope to be make one in the next few weeks. She said that she would keep me in her prayers and would be waiting for my announcement, whatever it might be.
So then it hit me. She is the first one that knows I am pregnant, without knowing the history of how I got here. In her eyes, I am pregnant. In my eyes, I am pregnant after having a miscarriage. The difference bothers me. It just reinforces that I need to keep this a secret until I have accepted that I have a healthy baby growing in me and that I won't hear "I'm sorry but the baby doesn't have a heartbeat" at my next appointment. Right now, I am still to guarded to open-up to someone that won't share my same reservations.
And on a side note, Dom doesn't share my same feelings on this topic. He has told everyone at his work already. He is respecting my feelings and not telling our friends, but I know it is hard for him to do this.
And I'll get there! Hopefully the 12 week milestone will help ease my fears! It's only 2 weeks away...
Saturday, October 18, 2008
How DOES he know?
Like I said in a previous post, my OB spent over an hour with us during my first appointment. He answered all of our questions before we had a chance to ask them. When we left, Dom made the comment that it was like he had been listening to all of our conversations and knew what we wanted to discuss and what questions we had before we even walked in the door. And that is exactly how it was.
So this morning, I open all of the mail that had been collecting all week. We get this letter from my OB...
I just had to laugh. It's like he knew that I had been talking about wanting my due date changed to reflect the baby's size! So how does he knew everything that we are thinking?
And by the way, this letter is in reference to my ultrasound on the 10th. My mother-in-law is going to send him the report from my ultrasound yesterday, but I think it is going to catch him off guard! Remember, that was all Annie's doing. My OB didn't even know I was going in to get another ultrasound!
So this morning, I open all of the mail that had been collecting all week. We get this letter from my OB...
I just had to laugh. It's like he knew that I had been talking about wanting my due date changed to reflect the baby's size! So how does he knew everything that we are thinking?
And by the way, this letter is in reference to my ultrasound on the 10th. My mother-in-law is going to send him the report from my ultrasound yesterday, but I think it is going to catch him off guard! Remember, that was all Annie's doing. My OB didn't even know I was going in to get another ultrasound!
New ultrasound pics!
One of the perks of marrying into a family of physicians, is the free medical advice and treatment. We were able to capitalize on that on Friday by getting a "just for fun" ultrasound. My mother-in-law has been dying to see this little one with her own two eyes. So we packed Dom, Annie, and me around the tiny ultrasound monitor to watch this baby's heartbeat and it's legs and arms kick around. Watching Dom and Annie's faces was almost as entertaining as watching the actual ultrasound. They both had their mouths wide open and were ooh-ing and aah-ing at everything. It was quite amazing!
The tech was great. We were making comments about how my parents and Dom's dad were missing out on all of the fun, so she printed a ton of pictures and even made a DVD of 3 second video clips (ETA- I just noticed that blogger only downloaded 2 seconds of the 3 second clips! I can't figure out how to fix it! Bummer!) so we could share the ultrasound with them.
Here are the pictures:
And here are the videos:
And now for the ever important stats...the baby's heart rate was 171 beats per minute and he/she was measuring 9 weeks 2 days (I was 9 weeks 0 days). During the last two ultrasounds, he/she was measuring 3 days ahead. I hope the loss of a day is only a measurement error! I forgot to ask how big the baby was in terms of inches or centimeters, but he/she should be close to an inch by now.
Every ultrasound we get, we have been feeling more and more confident. And we are getting closer and closer to 12 weeks!
The tech was great. We were making comments about how my parents and Dom's dad were missing out on all of the fun, so she printed a ton of pictures and even made a DVD of 3 second video clips (ETA- I just noticed that blogger only downloaded 2 seconds of the 3 second clips! I can't figure out how to fix it! Bummer!) so we could share the ultrasound with them.
Here are the pictures:
And here are the videos:
And now for the ever important stats...the baby's heart rate was 171 beats per minute and he/she was measuring 9 weeks 2 days (I was 9 weeks 0 days). During the last two ultrasounds, he/she was measuring 3 days ahead. I hope the loss of a day is only a measurement error! I forgot to ask how big the baby was in terms of inches or centimeters, but he/she should be close to an inch by now.
Every ultrasound we get, we have been feeling more and more confident. And we are getting closer and closer to 12 weeks!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day
Coincidently, it is also the three month anniversary of my miscarriage.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
A small sigh of relief
Our ultrasound on Friday went very well!
The baby is still measuring 3 days ahead of my due date. I was 8 weeks 0 days and the baby was measuring 8 weeks 3 days. He/she was 1.87 cm long and had a heart rate of 182 beats per minute.
He/She had arm and leg buds and was wiggling away during the ultrasound. It was amazing! We didn't expect to see it moving already. It would be totally still and all of a sudden, it's arms, legs, and head would start twitching. And with the arm and leg buds, it is looking a little more like a baby. At least we were able to tell which end was the head and which end was the butt. Dom thinks it looks like a gummy bear now!
I feel like we jumped a huge huddle. We were able to take a small sigh of relief knowing that we made it past the time in my last pregnancy that the baby stopped developing (and when I miscarried) and that our risk of miscarriage continues to get smaller and smaller with everyday that passes. My OB said that 95% of miscarriage happen before 8 weeks. I know we have been on the wrong side of the statistics a lot during this journey, but I do feel much more confident.
We have less than 4 weeks until we hit the big milestone of 12 weeks. That is when I will be able to take a BIG sigh of relief!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
MIA
I know that I have done a very poor job at posting these last few weeks. The truth is that I don't really know what to write about. I am trying my best to stay calm and to not get overly excited or scared. I try to push any thoughts (and therefore, post ideas!) that fall in these categories out of my mind. I don't want to get too excited and just get let down, but I don't want to get too scared and plague myself with negativity.
We are in "wait and see" mode. My next ultrasound is tomorrow afternoon. I am very anxious to see what is going on in this belly of mine!
As for the spotting, it's pretty much stopped. Monday morning was the last time I had any, and it was a very SMALL amount. If I didn't put my toilet paper under a microscope every time I wipe, I may have missed it. It is so nice to not have spotting! It so unnerving to see.
I continue to feel pretty bad in the afternoons and evenings. It doesn't matter how much I snack after lunch, by 3:00 or 3:30, I am very nauseous. It pretty much continues all night long. Fortunately, I am able to fall asleep. And I usually wake up feeling pretty normal. The sharp pains in my right ovary are pretty much gone and I haven't had a backache in awhile either. My boobs and nipples are still pretty sore. I still feel like a pig from stuffing so much food down my throat all day. I just get sick of eating. But then I know that eating is what is going to make me feel better. I have learned that things that are crunchy with cheese or cheese flavoring (mac and cheese, cheese slices, nachos, cheetos, cheese its, etc.) seem to hit the spot when I feel nauseous. Graham crackers seem to work pretty well too!
We are in "wait and see" mode. My next ultrasound is tomorrow afternoon. I am very anxious to see what is going on in this belly of mine!
As for the spotting, it's pretty much stopped. Monday morning was the last time I had any, and it was a very SMALL amount. If I didn't put my toilet paper under a microscope every time I wipe, I may have missed it. It is so nice to not have spotting! It so unnerving to see.
I continue to feel pretty bad in the afternoons and evenings. It doesn't matter how much I snack after lunch, by 3:00 or 3:30, I am very nauseous. It pretty much continues all night long. Fortunately, I am able to fall asleep. And I usually wake up feeling pretty normal. The sharp pains in my right ovary are pretty much gone and I haven't had a backache in awhile either. My boobs and nipples are still pretty sore. I still feel like a pig from stuffing so much food down my throat all day. I just get sick of eating. But then I know that eating is what is going to make me feel better. I have learned that things that are crunchy with cheese or cheese flavoring (mac and cheese, cheese slices, nachos, cheetos, cheese its, etc.) seem to hit the spot when I feel nauseous. Graham crackers seem to work pretty well too!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
OB appointment update
My appointment went well today! Because I just had an ultrasound on Monday, all we did was talk at this appointment. I love my OB because he will talk and talk and I always learn so much from him. He was with us for over an hour. I think I asked three questions the entire time, he talked the rest of it.
I have been worried that my spotting and miscarriage were related in my last pregnancy, but he doesn't think so. I as going to miscarry no matter what, but I was lucky enough to have spotting the entire time too! That makes me feel a little better about the spotting I'm having this time. He explained the causes of "normal" spotting and they make sense to me. And because my ultrasound was normal, my spotting is normal. I'm going to do my best to keep ignoring the spotting I have and remind myself that it is normal.
My due date was changed, which really annoyed me. He switched it to 5/22/09. This is the due date based on my last period. But I know I ovulated on CD 12 so I should be 2 days ahead of this date. Also, during my ultrasound on Monday, the baby was measuring 3 days ahead of this date. But he wants to stick with the due date based on my period. This only stresses me out because I am now 2 or 3 days earlier than I have been prepping myself for and it is going to take 2 or 3 days longer to get to 12 weeks! In the big picture, these 2 or 3 days won't make a huge difference. But when you are living life day by day, 2 or 3 days is huge!
I have another ultrasound scheduled for October 10th. I will be exactly 8 weeks (based on my new due date). My OB explained that 95% of miscarriages happen before 8 weeks so if everything is okay during this ultrasound, we should be able to relax a little. We will also be past the time in my last pregnancy that the baby stopped developing (7w3d) so that will be a great milestone to pass. It's only 9 long days away!
I have been worried that my spotting and miscarriage were related in my last pregnancy, but he doesn't think so. I as going to miscarry no matter what, but I was lucky enough to have spotting the entire time too! That makes me feel a little better about the spotting I'm having this time. He explained the causes of "normal" spotting and they make sense to me. And because my ultrasound was normal, my spotting is normal. I'm going to do my best to keep ignoring the spotting I have and remind myself that it is normal.
My due date was changed, which really annoyed me. He switched it to 5/22/09. This is the due date based on my last period. But I know I ovulated on CD 12 so I should be 2 days ahead of this date. Also, during my ultrasound on Monday, the baby was measuring 3 days ahead of this date. But he wants to stick with the due date based on my period. This only stresses me out because I am now 2 or 3 days earlier than I have been prepping myself for and it is going to take 2 or 3 days longer to get to 12 weeks! In the big picture, these 2 or 3 days won't make a huge difference. But when you are living life day by day, 2 or 3 days is huge!
I have another ultrasound scheduled for October 10th. I will be exactly 8 weeks (based on my new due date). My OB explained that 95% of miscarriages happen before 8 weeks so if everything is okay during this ultrasound, we should be able to relax a little. We will also be past the time in my last pregnancy that the baby stopped developing (7w3d) so that will be a great milestone to pass. It's only 9 long days away!
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